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1995-08-20
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Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!uknet!zippy.dct.ac.uk!dct.ac.uk!mcscs1eid
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Funny Character Profile #1
Message-ID: <1994May26.115621.1@dct.ac.uk>
From: mcscs1eid@dct.ac.uk
Date: 26 May 94 11:56:21 GMT
Organization: University of Abertay Dundee (DIT)
Nntp-Posting-Host: vaxc.dct.ac.uk
Lines: 51
WARNING TO SERIOUS TREK FANS - This is meant to be funny. Do NOT take
seriously. Thank you.
STAR TREK - Character Profile no.1
THE BORG
Part man, part machine, all cop (Oh, sorry. Wrong show). Apparently have no
style due to piloting a huge Rubiks Cube. They do not go on holiday a lot
and do not wear any foundation make-up. Generally not very pleasant, having
a 31 day period (even the men) and permanent PMT.
From an early age the Borg children are breast-fed GameBoy cartridges and
find that their bodies become more magnetic as they grow older, leading to
taps, frying pans and screwdrivers sticking to them. By the time they reach
puberty only a hand and an eyeball are left visible. Some Borg attempted to
cut of their hands and, ahem, other parts of their body to stop the
magnetism but unfortunately they found toasters and tin openers growing in
their place. One lucky Borg got a vacuum hose in his groinal socket and has
now become the mortal enemy of all male Borg.
A Borgs past-time generally consists of standing inside telephone cubicles
with a plug stuck up their anal socket. They are not very good at chatting
up women at parties, even if they did get invited to them in the first
place.
Later on in their life the Borg began to get pissed off with humans because
humans were able to go to the toilet without having to apply an electric
drill to their anal socket. This caused them to invent the most stylish
spaceship imaginable and go out and destroy anything that vaguely consisted
of meat. This didn't worry McDonalds at all. So, armed with their
intergalactic Rubik Cube attack ship they set out across the galaxy to
destroy anything that didn't have a bad complexion and a fetish for
microwave ovens. Unfortunately the satellite dish they installed couldn't
pick up MTV and this pissed them off even more.
It is generally unwise to speak to a Borg in a bar because they tend to
moan a lot and talk about how their lives were ruined just because their
parents didn't really love them and stuck garden forks in them when they
were only 7 and they weren't allowed any pets because they would piss on
their legs and electrocute themselves and so on, leading up to suicide.
_____________________________________________________________________________
| | |
| - THE BIG BANG THEORY - | "Why have you cut off your hair?" |
| | "Because I wanted to make myself look ugly." |
| Erik Downie | "Ugly? But why should you wish to look ugly?" |
| | "Well, you're the one with the implanted tusks. |
| mcscs1eid@dct.ac.uk | You tell me!" - Halo Jones. |
|_________________________|___________________________________________________|
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uknet!zippy.dct.ac.uk!dct.ac.uk!mcscs1eid
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Funny Character Profile #2
Message-ID: <1994May26.115801.1@dct.ac.uk>
From: mcscs1eid@dct.ac.uk
Date: 26 May 94 11:58:01 GMT
Organization: University of Abertay Dundee (DIT)
Nntp-Posting-Host: vaxc.dct.ac.uk
Lines: 46
(I'm still working on the 3rd and 4th profiles (Klingons and Vulcans), so I'll
post them when their finished.)
STAR TREK - Character Profile no.2
THE Q
The Q come from a really stylish race of super-beings that have taken the
step of having cool single word names such as Cher or Sting and decided to
have single letter names. This causes no end of hassle looking up the phone
directory. There are believed to be 45,023 Mr S's in the current directory.
The Q's past-times generally involve annoying any race of beings that
haven't reached the current state of evolution that they have, ie pissed
off, bored, but generally throwing great parties. They enjoy pissing off
humans a lot because they always find humans too bloody smarmy and they
think they know everything, but haven't even invented a toilet that flushes
properly yet. One way they like to annoy humans is to teleport every second
sock from all the sock drawers in the world down the side of a Mrs Ethel
GreyCrumb's settee. This pisses the human race right off, having to walk
about with odd socks on all the time, but really annoys Mrs GreyCrumb.
Nobody knows why they picked on Mrs GreyCrumb, but it is believed that the
Q decided to stick a lot of stupid names up on a dartboard and throw a dart
at them, picking on the one it landed on.
The Q have no sex problems because they are able to change their form at
will but can't remember what sex they were to begin with. When one Q annoys
another it is generally unwise to tell them to "Go screw yourself", due to
the fact that they probably do anyway.
During nights most Q can be found getting totally pissed in nightclubs,
trying to chat up women and telling them that they can stretch their
appendage to 5 miles without getting any stretch marks. During mornings
most Q are found lying in the bars alley after being beaten up by the
womens husband the previous night. The Q generally prefer the company of
sheep because they don't get married.
_____________________________________________________________________________
| | |
| - THE BIG BANG THEORY - | "Why have you cut off your hair?" |
| | "Because I wanted to make myself look ugly." |
| Erik Downie | "Ugly? But why should you wish to look ugly?" |
| | "Well, you're the one with the implanted tusks. |
| mcscs1eid@dct.ac.uk | You tell me!" - Halo Jones. |
|_________________________|___________________________________________________|